If this amped-up snake isn’t scary enough, there’s also a reference to that urban myth about Candiru, the tiny fish that are said to swim up the urethra and lodge themselves with their painful spines. This snake is so very dangerous because it defies the rules of nature (and gravity). The plot is wonderfully ridiculous, surrendering any pretence at accuracy. Try not to laugh when he described how “They strike, wrap around you, hold you tighter than your true love, and you get the privilege of hearing your bones break before the power of embrace causes your veins to explode.” “Buenos noches, beautiful,” he marvels when it appears. (You know: Man is the real monster, etc.) We’re supposed to believe it’s for the money, but really Serone is seemingly in love with this snake. Serone scams his way onto the boat and proceeds to use everyone as bait in his quest to capture the anaconda. He is excessively creepy and so transparently untrustworthy that it would not have been surprising had he turned to camera and gone “Muahahaha!” But his agonizing attempt at an accent, unnatural pacing, and exaggerated sneering is absolutely torturous-seriously, he makes falling prey to that snake seems desirable. He is a warped throwback to an old-timey villain, the type that ties damsels to train tracks. His take on Serone, a villainous ex-priest turned snake hunter, is something else. I am 100 percent here for the ridiculously snooty English host Westridge (Jonathan Hyde) who brings champagne, uses the deck like a golf range, and says things like “I'm not your bloody poodle!” It is obvious that devious skipper Mateo (Vincent Castellanos), hippie sound-guy Gary (Owen Wilson), and fun producer Denise (Kari Wuhrer) are going to go first. Ice Cube is the down-to-earth cameraman who gets shit done. The anthropologist (Stoltz) is her lover and the film’s financier (snooze). Lopez is the tough, sexy director (who surprisingly never takes her clothes off, which left much of the audience disappointed-T&A is absolutely expected in this type of movie). They are so straightforward that you really have no stake in their survival, but not caring means that it is much easier to watch their number dwindle. The eight characters are a collection of types that are standard and so completely predictable that no character development is needed (or offered). Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Ice Cube fight a snake? I’m assuming that the eclectic group of recognizable actors was what encouraged viewers: Oscar-winner Jon Voight lent some prestige, Eric Stoltz was familiar from his many film and television roles, and in the previous two months Jennifer Lopez had played Jack Nicholson’s mistress in Blood and Wine and the title role in the biopic Selena. The fun of Anaconda is all in the casting. It is not a total surprise that Anaconda ranks 23rd, but it is still pretty impressive for a film about a killer snake. Action films were also hugely successful-the top ten included Air Force One, Tomorrow Never Dies, and The Fifth Element. Similar releases included Dante’s Peak, Volcano, and Event Horizon. The top three earners were Titanic, Men in Black, and The Lost World: Jurassic Park. In 1997, disaster films dominated the US box office. But if you stop wondering if you’re supposed to be laughing, it really is an enjoyable, ridiculous adventure. The creature feature has a nonsensical plot, over-the-top acting, and special effects that haven’t held up. But Anaconda is less Jaws, and more Jaws 3. (If this is what you are looking for, watch the amazing Joe Dante/Roger Corman 1978 film Piranha). There were predictable howls about this being yet another Spielberg rip-off.
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